She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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