Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
