I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
