Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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