I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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