If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
