No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
