i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize