I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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