What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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