remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
