just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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