Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
