Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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