i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Drunk is not a location!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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