that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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