Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
