I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Never let your siblings swipe right.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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