Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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