His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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