i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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