if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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