I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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