if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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