East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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