I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
