I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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