Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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