hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
