I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
