my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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