How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
