i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
