Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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