apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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