The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
