my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
