i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Operation Purity has been aborted
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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