are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
