Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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