I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
