Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
