I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
