I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize