the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
