Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
