At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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