The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
