hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
