Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
