Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
