Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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