I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize