oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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