you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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