Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
