respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
