3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Randomize
