sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize