Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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