Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Is Oprah even human
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
