EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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