You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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