I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
