Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
